


Momentum

by Jenna_ (Phantom_Thieves)



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Character Study, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-24 20:30:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20020576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Phantom_Thieves/pseuds/Jenna_
Summary: For one brief moment he let the mask drop, let himself indulge in something that he has tried so hard to bury and he let himself be swept away by the rapid waves that is Ben Mitchell





	Momentum

Callum had never truly experienced such a desire for someone else before Ben, could never imagine that sex could feel like it had before that fateful night in the park. Under dimly lit lights Callum felt alive, felt hot despite the chill in the air. As Ben ran his hands across his skin, as he fumbled to undo buttons between lust filled open mouth kisses, he let himself just live in that moment. For one brief moment he let the mask drop, let himself indulge in something that he has tried so hard to bury and he let himself be swept away by the rapid waves that is Ben Mitchell who, in a short amount of time, saw him for who he was despite him hiding it so well from everyone else. Despite him denying it to himself for so long that he had almost tricked himself into thinking it was reality. 

Ben came along and smashed that reality into pieces and saw him for what he was

Since he was young he knew he was different. As a kid it was less noticeable, his lack of interest in girls was mirrored by his peers who all thought girls was gross or dumb in that childlike foolishness that plagues boyhood. In his early teenage years however his lack of interest was abnormal and far unlike that of his friends who were starting to become more and more interested in the fairer sex the older they became. All too often their conversations would turn to the various girls in their classes and the trial and error endeavours his friends did in order to woo them. 

Callum never really paid attention during these conversations. When we was questioned about something or asked his opinion he’d just parrot back what he had heard them say and prayed that they didn’t notice how uncomfortable he was. They never did.

He knew he should find women attractive, knew that their soft features and curvy lines should make him feel something. It never did. It wasn’t until one night when he found himself scrolling aimlessly through lewd images in an attempt to find what he was missing when he did. To his horror however it was not the soft feminine features of a women, but the hard masculine lines of a man whose picture had caught his eye faster than any picture of a women had before. That night he finally understood what his friends was talking about, the feeling of lust and desire, he felt that prickling sensation as he eyes gazed over toned abs and stubble.

That night he cried himself to sleep.

Callum awoke later that night to a door slamming and rushed out his room to see his brother and his dad, drunk, arguing in the living room. Jonno locked eyes with him, saw his face wet from tears shed earlier and called him a faggot. Real men don’t cry. Stuart stepped between them and yelled at him to shut his mouth, that his baby brother ain’t like that. 

That night Callum watched his dad beat his brother senseless while screaming every homophobic slur under the sun. The next day, battered and bruised, his brother told him not to worry about the words their father yelled at him, told him he knew he wasn’t like that. Callum decided then and there that any feelings he may have felt was going to stay with him and him alone and he buried the disgusting feeling he felt for doing so. 

He joined the army in a pathetic final attempt to prove himself an actual man in his dad’s eyes. The conflicting feelings he was confronted with in regards to some of his fellow soldiers brought fourth feelings he had kept locked away and made him wish that he’d never bothered.  
Whitney was the beginning of something new. She was beautiful, funny and kind. Any man would have been lucky to have her in his life. She made him feel safe and loved and for a time that was enough. When she kissed him he didn’t feel the fireworks or the magic that had been promised to him by cheesy romantic films he secretly liked but it felt nice. Comforting. Enough for him to feel like he could make it work, live the life that many dream of.

That was until Ben came along and turned everything on its head and forced him to confront just how lonely he was pretending that Whitney was enough. That the life she promised him could be enough, could fill the void he felt whenever she touched him. The world he created for himself was shattered the moment he pinned Ben up against the door frame in anger and they locked eyes and Ben saw something in him that he had desperately tried to keep from everyone. 

But Ben saw it, saw him and for the first time in his life someone else knew his shameful secret and worse yet it was someone who shared the same secret. Expect Ben’s shame wasn’t a secret nor was he ashamed of it. He flaunted it, wasn’t ashamed of it, embraced it. He was everything Callum was taught to hate yet he envied it so much he made him feel sick. Ben was everything he was yet was not at the same time. He and Ben was so similar yet couldn’t be further from one another at the same time. 

It all accumulated that night in the park, when Callum couldn’t keep bottling it up any more. The loneliness bubbled to the surface and it spilled out of him before he knew he was doing so. When Ben wiped his tears away it was so gentle and soft yet his touch sent electrifying signals throughout his entire body and he stilled. They locked eyes and impulse and desire took over in a way that Callum had never experienced before. 

Sex with Whitney felt good, with Ben it was an entirely different story. His skin burned under Ben’s touch, every fibre of his being felt alive. Callum pulled Ben into a kiss, felt his stubble against his cheek as Ben moved down to suck his neck and went to undo Ben’s belt. For one night he’d allow himself to indulge in this desire. For one night he’d forget about being the man he forced himself to be instead of the one he wanted to be. For one night he’ll be honest with himself before burying that feeling far far down where he should have kept it locked up tighter.

**Author's Note:**

> Hello and thanks for reading :D I hope you enjoyed it, forgive if it is rushed for I wrote this instead of sleeping which I should be doing because I have work tomorrow but I legit couldn't sleep until I wrote something for Ballum xD


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